Woke in the living room around 6. My girlfriend had a fever last night, and we decided to separate our bedroom for the night as her fever and cough might have been contagious. It was a quiet morning. I had breakfast by myself, changed, brushed my teeth and said bye bye to her who was still in the bed. I didn’t shave since it felt a little too much to handle.

Throughout the working hours today, there were multiple moments where I surrendered myself to “have to”s and gave up either focusing on my work or committing to entertain myself with my interests. When I asked colleagues of mine some vague, stupid questions, I found myself hardly using my brain, which was rather distressing. I attempted to count how many times, and when, I half zoned out and simply wasted my time (and it is my life itself, which is unintelligible for dull mind like mine). Clearly, I thought, my issue did not depend on whether I could summon up some courage or will to do whatever expected at work – rather, what is important is taking care of myself to the extent at which I could tell myself, without being forced, that I would be capable of meeting as well as exceeding the expectations by others and managing situations in a variety of environments. I need to be truly kind to myself, by which I mean that I need to carefully choose what to do for myself; a primary example would be to quit wasting time by watching videos that I was not interested in or looking for some music or videos that I could play in the background while doing something else. I do not need these. I will be okay if I didn’t play nor watch anything. You do not need them.