When my girlfriend said to me looking at the sausages I cooked for my breakfast that she was going to use them for today’s supper, a mass of emotions surged up in me and made me speechless for a second. What did I feel in that moment? I cannot quite capture what I felt. But I think I felt a strong sense of disappointment, and I do not know to whom or what it was directed at. I may have felt disappointed with myself, thinking that I could not comprehend what she said (she said to herself the previous night that she was going to make stew when she looked into the fridge. By saying it, she apparently intended to tell me that she was going to use the sausages for it. I had no idea that she intended to tell me I would have to leave the sausages). Why didn’t she directly say to me that she would have liked to use them so needed me to not eat them? I felt so irritated with how she expected me so much while she consumes as well as wasted my time and psychological resource. It was so annoying that she acted as if he gave enough explanation and had all the right to show her disappointment with me not realising that the sausages were meant to be used for supper. What an arrogance!

I was really, really irritated with her expressions, and my mind got shut down immediately. How come it had to be shut down? This is something I should concentrate on, I reckon. What do I try to do when I shut myself down at the face of certain events?

On my way back home from work, I remembered a few memories in which I suppressed my emotions and pretended to be unbothered. They were from the time I worked part-time at a rental DVD store when in uni. I recalled my colleagues’ expressions when I said particular stuff to them. I have pretended to not notice (i.e., find significance in) their expressions, but in reality I was just afraid of facing their emotional intentions towards me. Of course I did not and do not know how they actually perceived me at the time, but at least I avoided valuing their attitudes towards me. Why did I feel so uncomfortable to accept their beings as they appeared to me? I have little energy left to consider it for now.